Season 3 Episode 8: Gone But Not Forgotten

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It’s Maggie’s birthday and the Seavers have just come home from a celebration dinner, and I feel compelled to point out that Jason is carrying a vacuum with a big, red bow and, so help me God, did someone actually buy Maggie a vacuum for her birthday? It couldn’t have been Jason Seaver. Jason Seaver, father and husband of the century, would surely never stoop that low! I’m getting sidetracked again…

Maggie thinks there’s still more festivities to come, because the light’s are off in the living room, and so she assumes it’s a surprise party. Jason and the kids are trying to tell her it’s not, but she’s not buying it. In actuality, neither are wrong, because there is a surprise in the living room but it’s certainly no party: the Seavers have been burgled!!!

Everyone is freaking out. The kids are running off to check their stuff. Maggie’s discovered the thieves even took the time to make a freaking pot of coffee, and it’s still hot. And with the discovery of piping hot coffee, which tells the Seavers the thieves haven’t been gone long or maybe aren’t even gone at all, the whole family is going to wait for the police to arrive from the safety of their car.  I probably sound like I’m making fun of them, but I’ll be perfectly clear: I would be doing the exact same thing.

The cops show up after an hour, which I have to point is a considerably longer response time than in the episode where Jason and Maggie reported their kids missing simply because they didn’t answer the phone for 20 minutes straight. I suppose no one expects a high degree of plot consistency from Growing Pains. Anyway, the cops are there and the entire family is learning a whole lot about how little the police do for this type of crime. They’re not taking prints. They’re not putting out APBs. They’re not looking for the stuff that’s been stolen. They’re basically just writing a report so the Seavers can file an insurance claim.

Maggie is shocked that this is considered a “minor crime” and that so little is done, and then she’s doubly shocked to find out the thieves even ate her entire (enormous) pot of chicken soup. I have to say I agree with Maggie, because if anyone were to consume what appears to be at least a one-gallon pot of soup and drink a pot of coffee, they were actually in the house for a very long time. That’s some atypical criminal behaviour that’s worthy of additional investigation.  Also, that’s a really strange combination of food items to consume together.

So the police officer is done his report now, and Ben’s begging him to stay so he’ll feel safe and the cop says the least reassuring words you could say to a child (or, who am I kidding, even to an adult!): “Don’t worry, they won’t come back tonight.”  Even Ben is wise enough to pick up on the word ‘tonight’ and I sense a very sleepless night in the Seaver household.

Sure enough, no one is sleeping a wink. The Seaver kids have staged a family slumber party in Maggie and Jason’s room. Ben’s even dragging around a box of all his remaining worldly possessions on the off chance that the thieves return. It’s clear everyone is shaken up, but even though they’re all together in one room, they still can’t sleep. So Jason wants everyone to get up and “explore their feelings about what happened.” Of course, no one wants to do it, but they humour their father and also seem to know at some level that he’s probably right.

Jason’s family therapy session is not working very well to start, because Carol is projecting her anger at Mike, accusing his scumbag friends of being the most likely culprits. Then Mikes gets angry and fiercely defends Eddie and Boner (to his credit, could anyone legitimately imagine Eddie or Boner robbing anyone, let alone their best friend?). They’re both so off target of a meaningful conversation that Maggie has entirely bailed out to clean the kitchen while listening to death metal. Yikes.

Jason’s got his work cut out for him just getting his family to focus and dig into their fears. It takes a while, but finally Jason gets everyone to admit that they’re afraid, and that they all think it’s possible something like this will happen again. Jason asks what they think they should do: Maggie thinks they need an alarm system, or maybe to sell the house and move to the middle of nowhere; Mike thinks they need a gun or maybe even several guns; and Carol thinks they need to get rid of all their possessions so they have nothing left to be stolen.

Jason is trying so hard to jump on all these suggestions and prove that none of them will actually bring back the Seavers’ sense of safety. Because a sense of safety is something that can’t be stolen. It’s an internal state, fully within our own control, only lost of we give it away. Boom. That’s a Jason Seaver mic drop right there. The family suddenly realizes they’ve been letting the thieves take away their sense of safety. Jason Seaver, you are amazing.  I mean, it has taken me almost a whole lifetime to really get that and Jason’s brought his family to a major breakthrough in mere minutes.

And so, the Seavers’ long and sleepless night is over, and they’re going to go out for breakfast like they always do on Saturday mornings, damn it. No burglary will stop this family from living life on their own terms.

At the end of this episode I’m left wondering:

  • Has anyone ever really bought someone a vacuum as a present?
  • How long do you think it would actually take to eat a gallon of chicken soup and drink a pot of coffee? Because by my math, those thieves really must have been in the house for hours.

Season 3 Episode 7: A Star is Born

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Before we get into the real meat of this episode, I have to share my grave disappointment in the opening scenes, in which we learn that Jason Seaver loathes crossword puzzles. Why does this matter? Only because I live for crossword puzzles, and I am distraught that somehow Jason Seaver and I do not see eye to eye on this pass time. I am equally shocked to find that I share a hobby with Maggie Seaver, with whom I rarely agree. The world is upside down right now, and it’s going to take all my focus to remain on track with the rest of this episode.

Thank you for hearing me out. Now, for the real stuff.

It’s theatre fever in the Seaver household. Who knew that any of these kids were into theatre? But apparently Carol is part of the drama club and thus part of organizing this year’s school play. So now Ben’s got a role in the high school play even though he isn’t a Dewey High Hooter, but if you are a kid waiting around for your older sister at her drama club meeting and they need a kid for a bit part, you just might luck out. Ben’s pretty pumped about it.  Carol, however, is in a funk because she didn’t get the lead female role in the play, but she’s even angrier about who got the role of romantic lead: the one, the only, Mike Seaver.

Wait. What? Is Carol mad that she didn’t get the lead female part, which would have made her the romantic interest for…her brother? I’m confused…

I’m just choosing to overlook that. Anyway, Mike only wanted the role because of the lead female, Monica Shackleford, who apparently looks great in gym shorts. And of course the entire Seaver family is super unsupportive, partly because they think it’s wrong that Mike took the role when he doesn’t care at all about the actual play, but also partly because they don’t think he’s capable of pulling it off. Truth be told, Mike did only get the part because the only other guy to audition was in a full body cast. However, I’ve really had it up to here (imagine me holding my arm significantly above my head, and the most indignant of expressions on my face) with the Seavers thinking so little of Mike at every turn.

At first, Mike really isn’t taking his preparation seriously. In fact, he’s really just using rehearsal times as opportunities to make out with his leading lady. I want to root for Mike but he’s making it really difficult because he’s not at all focused on learning his lines. Don’t let me down Mike! Jason notices Mike’s lackadaisical attitude about the play, and calls him out on not trying.  He even hits him with this line:“Don’t you want to be really good at something?” Ouch. I mean, there’s tough love and then there’s ego crushing.

But the ego-crushing parental non-support doesn’t stop there. No way! Now we’re in the final day of rehearsals and Mike still doesn’t know his lines at all, and he doesn’t seem to have realized there’s going to be an audience full of people with their eyes on him. At least now he’s motivated to cram like hell to learn the lines he could’ve been learning the last few weeks, but even two hours before the opening curtain call he’s nowhere near ready. He’s freaking out, and you know what really doesn’t help? When your mom says this to you: “We just want you to know that we love you, but we’re not expecting much.” I mean, really Maggie?

When showtime rolls around, I’m thinking Mike’s got nothing to worry about because this entire production seems fraught with minor disasters:

  • The plays narrator (our dear friend, Ritchie) is so nervous that his voice is repeatedly cracking and he’s practically stuttering through his lines
  • Sound and lighting effects are way off cue
  • Pep rally signs are falling down from the rafters mid-scene
  • Boner forgets his lines, but he’s at least got a backup plan which is playing a recording of his lines from a tape recorder in his jacket pocket
  • Ben’s forgotten his one and only line, and then he gets so nervous he runs from the stage screaming

See? Mike’s got nothing to worry about.

It’s Mike’s time to shine now, and what ever will happen? You can probably guess from the episode title that he’s gonna kill it. And he does. Everyone is beyond shocked, including Mike himself. He has no idea how he just pulled that rabbit of a performance out of his hat, and he’s clearly shaken by the whole experience. He actually tried, and he did well, and for the first time he was fully immersed in what he was doing because it felt easy. And just like that he’s been bitten by the acting bug, and seems to have found his calling.

And also just like that Maggie and Jason have entirely renewed faith in Mike. But don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll be gone by the next episode.

At the end of this episode, I’m left wondering:

  • Who doesn’t like crossword puzzles? (Okay, okay, I know I’m in the minority here)
  • Anyone want to bet that Maggie and Jason will return to being epically disappointed by Mike in the very next episode?

Season 3 Episode 6: Big Brother is Not Watching

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This episode starts with a bang.  Jason is in the kitchen pounding out chicken to the beat of, and singing along with, the “Banana Boat Song”, and there’s even a limbo component and I have to wonder if this means good things are in store for this episode. Also, can we all give mad respect to Alan Thicke for his many talents?

But things quickly take a turn for the worse when Ben starts buttering up his parents for reasons yet unknown, and this tells me one thing: this is going to be a Ben-centric episode. Ugh.

It seems Ben wants a new bike that’s apparently the hottest thing since sliced bread. He’s enlisted Mike’s help to con his parents into paying for it. But Mike being Mike used Ben’s trust mostly to trick him into waxing his car. Ben grows wise to Mike’s manipulation and decides he’s done with soliciting Mike’s help. In the process of complaining to Carol about how Mike is a jerk, Carol sees an opportunity to prove herself smarter and wiser than Mike. She offers to help Ben and within minutes Ben has switched teams, joined forces with Carol, and the two of them have hatched a new plan to trick Maggie and Jason.

The new plan: Ben tells his parents that mere minutes ago he was only trying to butter them up to pay for his bike, which would cost $120 (which Google tells me is about $262 in today’s dollars). Now he realizes he was so wrong to betray their trust, and all he wants is to be able to earn the money himself, and to make sure that his parents are okay with him spending the money on the new bike once he earns it. Somehow, Maggie is duped by this, and so she offers to pay for half the bike if Ben can earn the other half. Which, if you haven’t guessed already, was exactly Carol’s brilliant plan.

The only problem is Ben still has to earn $60. For an 11-year old, that’s a tall order. But Carol has a plan for that too, which is that Ben is going to sell raffle tickets for his old bike. All he needs to do is sell sixty $1 tickets and he’s golden. Ben is loving this new plan, so much so that he seems not to realize that Carol is taking advantage of Ben just as badly as Mike had been. She’s got him doing all her chores, and even worse, modelling her evening gown while she tailors it.

Mike, it seems, is a bit peeved by the sibling bonding between Carol and Ben. He misses Ben treating him like a God, and so he’s projecting his frustration on Carol. He wants Carol’s plan to fail miserably so that Ben will come crawling back to him, idolizing him once more. And he just might get his wish, because Ben has royally messed up his raffle. He sold the first two raffle tickets to the class bullies, who then put the word out that they’d kick the butts of any other kids who bought tickets. So now Ben is about to sell off his old bike for a measly couple of dollars.

Even though this is not at all reflective of a flaw in Carol’s plan, Ben, fickle child that he is, decides to dump Carol as his scamming partner and go back to Mike to fix the situation. Just as he and Mike are about to come up with a plan of attack, Maggie and Jason catch them all in the act. I underestimated Maggie and Jason, who weren’t at all duped by Ben earlier. They knew he was up to no good and were just waiting for the perfect moment to swoop in to see what was really going on.

Naturally Maggie and Jason assume that Mike is to blame for the whole scam, so they divide and conquer: Jason deals with Ben and Maggie deals with Mike. Even though Mike tries to tell Maggie that it was Carol’s idea, his claims fall on deaf ears because no one ever believes Mike. Meanwhile, Jason forces Ben to go ahead with raffling off his bike, and so Ben now has no money and no bike. This seems like a triple-whammy of a bad outcome, because Ben lost everything, Mike is getting blamed, and Carol is walking away unscathed.

Or is she?

Somehow, though we don’t get to see how (and I’m legitimately dying to know how he did it!), Mike successfully convinces Maggie that Carol was to blame. Carol gets a month’s worth of all the kids chores. Ben still lost his bike and has no money. And Mike, at long last, emerges as the only Seaver child sans punishment. The only problem here is that Ben didn’t really learn the appropriate lesson from this whole situation, because his sole takeaway is never go to Carol for advice. And thus, this painfully long episode has all been for naught. Sigh.

At the end of this episode I’m left wondering:

  • Couldn’t the writers give Ben better stories?
  • If Mike were a real person and not a character, would he be the most damaged teenager ever? I mean, his entire family doubts him at every opportunity and that’s got to cause some serious psychological scars.
  • Is there anything Alan Thicke/Jason Seaver can’t do?

Season 3 Episode 5: Michaelgate

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Another week, another episode recap coming your way! Likely, you can tell from the episode title that this one is going to feature Michael…and potentially a scandal, which tend to go hand in hand. Let’s get right to it!

I am already in heaven because mere minutes into the episode, Principal Dewitt is making an actual appearance. Not just his voice over the school PA system like the last few times, but in person. This tells me it’s gonna be a good one.

Anyway, Principal Dewitt is hauling Mike out of class, and Mike is already apologizing for all manner of things he may have done to warrant being pulled out of class by the principal. But colour everyone shocked, including Principal Dewitt, because Mike isn’t in trouble! In fact, he’s been selected by the student nomination committee to be a candidate for student body president, which is quite an honour in the high school world. Principal Dewitt doesn’t understand how this has happened, and he seems to be wracking his brain trying to figure out how to keep Mike out of office.

But is it even within Principal Dewitt’s power to stop this train once it’s in motion? I think that’s what we’re about to find out today.

But first, we get to see the Seaver family’s reaction to this news.  I’m once again appalled by the way that Mike’s parents fail to see him as capable of anything of substance. Maggie, in particular, is at a loss for words on how Mike possibly could’ve been nominated for high school president. Come on, Maggie, it’s only high school. Anyone can be nominated for high school politics and isn’t it really just a popularity contest anyway? Most importantly, when will Mike’s family start to have any sort of faith in him?

I should be clear that, at first, Mike isn’t thrilled about the nomination either. He’s worried he’s going to lose the party guy status that he’s so carefully cultivated. Oh, Mike. But then he gets a call from some girls in his class, girls that wouldn’t normally call him, and girls who are are “willing to do anything” to help him with his campaign. Mike’s starting to see the perks of his candidacy. Mike Seaver, Presidential Candidate, suddenly has a pretty nice ring to it.

It seems like the very next day after the nominations are announced, the candidates are tasked with speaking about their platforms. One has to wonder when they would’ve had time to prepare, but I suppose that’s just me overthinking a sitcom yet again. Anyway, by all accounts Mike is up against some sort of wunderkind of a perfect student. Still, Mike’s going to give it his all in the only way he knows how: with cheerleaders and brutal honesty. That’s right, Mike’s address features the world’s least coordinated cheerleaders and basically amounts to asking students to vote for him despite everything they know of him. I have to say, it’s the most refreshingly honest political speech ever made, and I’d probably vote for Mike because at least what you see is what you get.

Mike’s opponent, however, is hell bent on taking Mike down, and he’s got the three-piece suit/mullet combination to prove it. Also his name is Robert Jordan, and I firmly believe you cannot trust a man with a first name as a last name.  At first, Mike takes Robert’s criticism in good stead; Mike knows he’s the underdog here. But when Robert points out that Mike is such a joke that even Carol, his very own sister, isn’t supporting him, it’s way too below the belt. Mike suddenly realizes just how little everyone thinks of him (and my heart hurts for him in this moment). It’s then and there he decides to prove to his classmates that he is just as passionate about his high school as Robert Jordan, even if he doesn’t have a mullet or three piece suit.

When Carol is publicly outed as anti-Mike Seaver, she chastises her friend Ritchie for letting it happen, and it’s unclear to me how Ritchie had anything to do with that, but no matter. Also, Ritchie, if you recall, appeared several times earlier in the series but then disappeared for probably the last season, only to reappear in this episode seemingly only as a helpful plot device. At any rate, Ritchie spills a really big secret: Mike’s nomination for class president was actually rigged by Robert Jordan to up his odds of winning. Mike was deemed “the perfect loser” as a popular but not-taken-seriously student. Carol is shocked but I am not, because I knew Robert Jordan wasn’t a name to be trusted!

Mike is now determined to be taken more seriously, to the point that he even asks his mom to critique his next speech. When Maggie reads his speech, she’s touched, because Mike has painted himself as an everyman, and moreover as an everyman willing to admit his failings while still conveying his love for Dewey High. Maggie is so impressed that she actually hasn’t a stitch of critical feedback and, if you’ve been watching this show as much as I have, you know how rare that is. Mike is feeling pretty good about things…until Carol walks in.

Carol is about to tell Mike about the nominating committee scam, but Mike is so angry at her and adamant that he can win that she ends up keeping the news to herself. Not cool, Carol.

Now, in what may be the most efficient election ever, it’s already election day and the returns are coming in. Robert Jordan is winning by a landslide and Mike is legit bummed. But then things start looking up, because suddenly the upper classman votes are in and the numbers for Mike are looking pretty darn good. And then Mr. Dewitt gets to deliver the final results: Mike has staged the biggest upset in Dewey High history!

If you’re thinking this has been too easy, you’re right!

No sooner are the Seavers in full-blown celebratory mode than Mr. Dewitt shows up at the Seaver residence. You know it’s serious when a principal goes to a student’s house…and, also, that’s really strange, right?  Mike assumes it’s something he’s done but for once it’s not because Carol quickly admits to Mike that she rigged the election by hacking into the computer system so that Mike would win. Whoa, Carol, that’s very un-you! Even though it’s a shot to Mike’s ego that he didn’t really win, he’s super touched that his sister would do that for him.

Mike is so touched, in fact, that he tries to take the fall for Carol’s scandal but he makes it very clear to his parents and Mr. Dewitt that he lacks the know-how to hack into a computer and manipulate results. Busted. But then Mike has to accept responsibility for the scandal in front of the whole school anyway, which seems unfair, but don’t worry because Robert Jordan can’t be president either because he attempted to interfere with the election process too. So with Mike and Robert Jordan both out of the running, guess who gets to be president? Somehow, some way, with a lack of logic that I cannot even attempt to comprehend, Boner ends up being class president. Lord help Dewey High.

At the end of this episode I’m left wondering:

  • Would any school administrator actually make a house call for a student issue?
  • Seriously, who are these kids with three piece suits in their closets?
  • What type of electoral process would ever allow Boner to end up in office?
  • Where has Ritchie been this past season?!?!?!

Season 3 Episode 4: Not Necessarily the News

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Hold on to your hats because we have a Growing Pains first, a continuing storyline!!!! That’s right, Maggie is looking for a job, which directly relates to a very recent episode and suggests that Growing Pains will start to feature significant story arcs. Hallelujah!

So Maggie is trying to find a new job, and it’s not going so well. She’s had countless interviews that have gone nowhere, and Jason’s just listened to a string of rejection messages on the answering machine. The only person interested in meeting with her is her old boss, and Maggie won’t have her old boss thinking she had to come crawling back to her old job. I understand, Maggie. Job hunting is the worst. Maggie’s ego has clearly taken a bruising and it has her all sorts of second guessing herself.

This whole situation is keeping Maggie up at night. In fact, she’s using the wee hours of the night to fixate over the finer details of her resume, like her use of upper vs. lower case font. Jason knows this is about more than her resume, and I have to agree with Jason on this one. Little known fact for all you job hunters out there: unless your resume is riddled with typos or your experience is completely irrelevant to a job, your resume really doesn’t matter as much as you think it does. I say this as a former employment counsellor and current HR professional. But I digress.

What’s important here is that Jason can see that Maggie is having a crisis of confidence, and he tries to help her see it as such, but Maggie is on her usual stubborn train and she’s not hearing it. Jason gives up and goes to bed, and in comes little Ben, determined to take a crack at helping Maggie feel better. And he does! Ben’s logic is simple: he’s never had a job and he’s perfectly happy, so why does Maggie need a job to be happy? I mean, you can’t argue with that reasoning, can you?

And Maggie doesn’t either. Based on the sage advice of a 10-year old, Maggie decides she’s going to say goodbye to her career and return to life as a homemaker. Now, there’s nothing inherently wrong with this choice, of course, but Maggie clearly still wants to work. We know this because she is going over the top with her new homemaker status, cooking excessively large breakfasts and lunches, and making elaborate family chore lists to catch up on the infinite list of things that haven’t been done around the house since she went to work. The family hates it. If this is what Maggie’s going to be like as a stay at home mom, they need to get her back to work!

Jason takes a first crack at it, convincing Maggie to suck up her pride and meet with her old boss. After all, she loved her old job. But Jason’s plan backfires in an epic way, shattering any remnants of Maggie’s confidence. Because her old boss only wanted to meet with her to give her back a box of crap she’d left in her desk. Ouch.

Now Maggie’s beyond certain that she’s done with her career. I mean, even her old boss doesn’t want her back. But she is super worried that Jason is disappointed in her, which of course he isn’t because Jason Seaver is as close to a perfect, supportive husband as anyone could ask for. He’s also a psychiatrist, though, so he’s not going to let Maggie off the hook when he suspects that her doubling down on leaving the workforce is an extreme means of avoiding further rejection. So Jason works some reverse psychology: he tells Maggie he’s 100% fine with her staying home, because she obviously isn’t eschewing work just to avoid rejection (which she clearly is); she is doing it because she doesn’t feel the need to have a meaningful career (which she actually does) and because she genuinely loves being a stay at home mom (which she sort of does, but not as much as she loves her career).

Darn that Jason for always finding a way to get you thinking. Maggie quickly realizes Jason’s right. She’s not done with her career, and she is avoiding rejection. Thankfully Maggie has an interview with a TV news station already scheduled, and now that Jason’s worked his magic on her, she decides she’s going to go for it and she’s going to do it with some serious take-no-bullshit attitude. All that rejection has fired her up to be a straight shooter, and she puts that news director through quite a roller coaster of a job interview. Thankfully, he likes a straight shooter and he likes Maggie’s writing. And so, after 27 rejections, Maggie’s got herself a new job, starting right that very second, because the news anchor has just gone into labour right there on live television! A lot just happened in two minutes!

The Seaver clan is all very proud and, even though this episode was really quite bad, I’m still basking in the joy of an ongoing storyline. Keep ‘em coming, Growing Pains, keep ‘em coming.

At the end of this episode I’m left wondering:

  • Is it really common practice for people to “start immediately” at a new job? It happens all the time on television, but in my entire career, I’ve never witnessed it actually occurring.
  • Would an old boss leave cryptic messages like “I have something really important to talk to you about” when they just wanted you to come get your stuff? Surely, Maggie’s boss would’ve just said “I need you to come get your stuff.”

 

 

Season 3 Episode 3: Taking Care of Business

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You probably want to know who’s taking care of business, particularly on the heels of Maggie quitting her job. But it’s not Maggie. It’s actually Mike. In the great tradition of Growing Pains having virtually no ongoing storylines, we hear nothing about Maggie’s lack of a job, Mike missing his Hawaiian lady, or Carol’s boyfriend Bobby in this episode. Sigh.

Anyway, Mike is taking care of business.  He’s landed himself a hot new job as a sales associate at an electronics store, and he’s beyond excited. Maggie and Jason, however, don’t like it one bit, which makes very little sense because it really does seem like a step up from his old job at the carwash. Also, considering they know nothing about the job other than it’s retail sales, it seems strange that they’re so suspicious.

Of course, it turns out they were sort of right to be concerned because Mike’s job is commission-only, which I have to agree is quite possibly the worst compensation model ever invented, but they didn’t know that at first, so I still don’t get their initial reaction. Anyway, Mike still needs permission from them to work and Maggie leaves the decision in Jason’s hands. It turns out their wires got crossed because she wasn’t going to say yes but Jason did. That’s why you don’t defer on decisions when you have a strong opinion, Maggie.

And then, to add insult to injury, they find out that the store manager who hired Mike is none other than Andrew Dellish, a high school drop-out and the kid responsible for Mike getting arrested way back in Season 1. Maggie and Jason, who appear to have the memories of elephants, have not forgotten a single bit about this Andrew Dellish kid, and now even Jason is waffling on his decision. Quite cleverly, Mike throws Jason’s own words right back at him. He reminds Jason that he’s always saying you need to believe the best in people, and Jason really can’t argue with his own wisdom. And then Maggie defers the final decision on this new job to Jason again even though she still doesn’t want Mike to take the job. Once bitten, twice shy, Maggie.

So Mike starts his new job, and all seems to be going well. He’s talking a good game about being responsible, starting on time, and dressing for success. Why even the delinquent Andrew Dellish seems to have turned a new leaf. And Mike’s doing really well. He’s been top sales guy for four days straight! As they’re leaving the store, Maggie and Jason even overhear Mike telling a customer that one of the store’s products isn’t really worth the money. It seems Mike is even a salesman with a conscience. Maggie and Jason are relieved because they made the right choice letting Mike work there, and Mike really seems to be exhibiting some exceptional, albeit totally uncharacteristic, responsibility.

When he comes home that night, there’s even more uncharacteristic behaviour. He’s spent a sizeable portion of his first paycheque on a bunch of electronics for his family, including a cute little mini television for Jason. The only problem is that it’s the same television he’d told that customer wasn’t worth buying. When Jason mentions this, Mike explains Andrew’s sales philosophy, which is using bargain items to lure people in so they can sell them more expensive items. Uh oh, it’s a good old-fashioned bait and switch. Jason’s relief has now been supplanted by his normal fatherly frustration with Mike.

Mike tries to justify his behaviour by outlining the myriad of ways in which Jason is probably equally unethical. Like when Jason traded in his car, surely he lied about the busted transmission? Nope, sorry Mike. Try again. Surely Jason must fudge his taxes? Nope. Strike two. Jason Seaver doesn’t fudge a darn thing and Mike’s attempt to right his own behaviour by wronging his father’s is failing miserably. Mike now assumes his dad’s going to make him quit, but Jason shocks him by saying he’s too old for Jason to make decisions for him. Mike can decide what he wants to do. I see what you’re doing Jason, and I respect it.

Mike goes to his next shift and his conversation with Jason has clearly got him thinking. When he watches Boner send customers away for a cheaper price elsewhere, he chastises Boner, but you can tell he’s actually upset with himself because he knows Boner’s right. And when Boner is the one who’s right, you have to do some serious soul-searching. Then Andrew calls Mike into his office, and pulls a total jerk move, which is that he wants Mike to tell Boner that he’s fired, essentially for being too honest. Andrew thinks Mike should be the one to do his dirty work “because Mike is closer to him.” Even Mike knows this move reeks of cowardess and shadiness, and it turns out to be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.

Mike realizes that maybe his dad was right about Andrew and his sales tactics. Even though it drives him crazy that his dad was right yet again,  he calls Andrew out on treating quotas as more important than people, quits his job, and then tells every customer in the store they can find cheaper electronics elsewhere. In your face, Andrew Dellish. Also, another gold star for Jason here for finding a way to get through to Mike without simply telling him what to do. My love affair with Jason Seaver continues unscathed.

At the end of this episode, I’m left wondering:

  • Why would anyone work for pure commission?
  • Why do these high school kids have three piece suits just kicking around in their closets? Mike had one. Andrew had more than one. I mean, even Boner had one, which I must note was a very 80s shade of baby blue.

Season 3 Episode 2: Aloha Part II

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And we’re back with Part II! Who else is excited to see if the Seavers can salvage some semblance of family time on this family vacation?

I have to say this episode is a little all over the place, which leads me to wonder if perhaps the show’s writers really just wanted to go to Hawaii and threw together some random ideas to sell the concept to producers. And then when their pitch actually worked, they invested no further in the episodes’ storylines. This is all conjecture on my part, of course, but it feels highly plausible. I’m going to parse this episode out into each character’s storyline because otherwise I fear this post will be about as choppy and disjointed as the episode itself.

Mike: We pick up where we left off with Mike, on his date with Melia (his Hawaiian girl). Mike is really nervous with this girl, which we take to mean that he really, really likes her. They kiss on the beach at sunset, and it’s all very lovely and (thankfully) there’s no “Swept Away” playing in the background so I’m a happy camper.

But then Melia takes Mike back to her house. She lives with her parents and half her extended family, and even though she took Mike home she never actually takes him into the house to meet anyone, so it’s a little confusing why she brought him there in the first place. But what we do find out from this illogical plot element is that Melia has a child. And not a baby. I’m talking a full-blown toddler who is at least two, but looks more like three years old.

So if you’re wondering if Mike has hooked up with an older lady, no he hasn’t. Melia is only 17, and the writers are careful to point out that she did not have her kid out of wedlock (as if we’d care), and that she’s divorced now and raising this kid alone. I suppose in the late 80s, it would have been way too scandalous to have a single mother character this young who’d had a kid without being married? This isn’t me judging, because stuff happens, but I do wonder if you can actually get married legally at the age of 14, maybe 15, because this is the age at which Melia would’ve had to have been married for this timeline to make sense (fact check: Google tells me that you cannot).

Anyway, Mike is really thrown off by this, because he’s used to being the only kid in a relationship and now he sees that Melia isn’t just a girl, she’s a woman. He seeks counsel from Jason, who prompts Mike to consider that perhaps it’s not such a bad thing that he’s interested in a girl who’s so responsible. Mike isn’t so sure if he agrees. He’s got some thinking to do.

Carol: Carol has spent the entire evening waiting for Bobby’s call. Bobby, it appears, has not called at his designated time for this entire trip, and she is done with sitting around hoping he finally calls. Carol Seaver waits for no man. She decides she’s going to spend the rest of the trip lounging poolside with the brainy bellhop kid. I mean, bellhop boy likes books just as much as she does, and he’s going to Yale, whereas Bobby can’t even manage to call at a pre-established time.

Carol makes her way to the pool the next day to seek out her bellhop and they have a grand time talking about books, and bellhop kid is in the midst of oiling up Carol’s scantily clad body when Bobby shows up in Hawaii to surprise her.  It turns out that Bobby hadn’t been calling because he’d been working overtime so he could afford to fly out to surprise Carol, and I have to assume it would’ve taken every single penny the kid has ever earned to make this possible. And then Carol is actually still mad at him for not calling.

Bobby is also mad, because he’s caught Carol in a fairly compromising position. He doesn’t like this bellhop kid one bit, and so he tosses him right into the pool. While normally I’m not one for violence, tossing someone into a pool has a comedic element that makes me 100% okay with it. I mean, the bellhop kid was in a bathing suit and likely hot from laying around in the Hawaiian sun so Bobby basically did him a favour by cooling him off. Carol, of course, doesn’t see it that way and storms off. What a way to treat a guy who just flew across the country to see you, Carol. Will they work things out? Stay tuned.

Maggie and Jason: Maggie has finally filed her story and now she’s ready to fully dive into family vacation mode. Or is she? No sooner has she sent in her story than it goes national, which leads to an opportunity for a follow up piece. This is exciting stuff! Except that it also means that Maggie will have to fly home pretty much immediately to interview sources for the next story. Poor Jason, who finally thought he was going to get the family vacation of his dreams, resigns himself to the fact that he’s going to spend his last few days in Hawaii alone.

Or is he? Stay tuned!

Ben: I have no idea where Ben is this entire episode, because apparently his parents are 100% cool with him frolicking around the island completely unsupervised.

The Big Luau: The episode culminates at the luau, which may or may not be the final night of the Seaver family vacation, but regardless seems to be the big family event that Jason was most looking forward to. So it’s a pretty sad moment when Jason has to cancel the reservation because Maggie is gone, the kids are all AWOL and he can’t stomach a luau alone.

Except he won’t be. First, Ben returns from his horseback riding adventure and is so high on life in Hawaii that he begs Jason to take him to the luau. Now Jason has a luau buddy and calls to reinstate his reservation. Seaver, party of two.

Then, on their way to the luau, they stumble across poor Bobby, who apparently has been sulking under a palm tree all day since Carol blew him off.  So they bring Bobby along to the luau. Jason’s troupe is steadily growing.

And then Carol shows up at the luau, because she’s not going to let Bobby ruin her vacation. She and Bobby have it out right then and there and it turns out that Bobby was jealous and afraid of losing Carol, and Carol’s always been afraid of losing Bobby, and it’s really the most quickly resolved lover’s quarrel in history because now they’re back together and happy again. Oh, to be sixteen.

Then Mike shows up.  Jason’s got almost his entire family! The big shocker is that Mike has brought Melia’s daughter along with him, because somehow even though they’ve known each other only a couple days, Melia has entrusted Mike with taking care of his child (???). So what we learn is that Mike chose love over his fear of being with a real woman, and Melia seems to have sparked within him some sort of desire to be a better man. Jason seems so impressed by this that he’s totally overlooked how strange it is that Mike is babysitting a child he barely knows.

And then, good God, Maggie shows up! And get this: she’s quit her job! During her layover, she decided that family comes first and that she wasn’t going back to Long Island. Only when she told her editor this, the editor gave her quite the ultimatum: either get back to Long Island now, or don’t bother coming back at all. So Maggie up and quit. Whoa. When your family’s just spent got knows how much on a 10 day vacation in Hawaii, it seems like It seems like the absolute wrong time to quit your job, but…family first?

No matter, Jason has his entire family together so it’s a happy ending, right? Wrong! Because guess what’s back? “Swept Away” is back, and it plays for well over a full minute, during which we’re subjected to a montage of all the Seavers kissing their significant others while Ben films them like a little creeper, and then a flashback to all the moments of their magical Hawaiian vacation. This song, this song for which I now have even more of a dislike than I did in the 80s, is playing the entire time. Do you all understand how this ruins the entire episode?

The verdict: this is a two-part, on-location episode fail as far as I’m concerned. I’m definitely ready to say aloha to this one.

At the end of this episode I’m left wondering:

  • Was some member of Growing Pains staff best friends with Christopher Cross because why else would would we have to listen to so much of this song?
  • What kind of ending was this because absolutely nothing got sorted out? Like where is Bobby staying while he’s in Hawaii? What will Mike and Melia do now that he’s leaving?
  • Where was Ben for the first 85% of this episode?

Season 3 Episode 1: Aloha Part I

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Welcome, friends, welcome. We are boldly stepping into Season 3 where we kick off with not only a two-parter, but also a two-parter filmed on location. It really feels like a show has established itself when cast and crew are sent off to somewhat exotic locations for multi-part episodes, doesn’t it?

As you may have guessed from the episode title, the Seaver family is vacationing in Maui. Aloha indeed! You would think that the Seaver clan would be thrilled about this because, hello, it’s Hawaii. But you would be wrong. Because aside from Jason and Ben, no one actually wants to be there. Say what?

At the start of the episode, the entire family is out at sea, on a boat that has apparently broken down quite far off the coast. Naturally, we can see why the family is upset about this, because being stranded asea would be a little panic-inducing if you ask me. But that’s not why they’re actually mad.  To find out why, we must endure a series of flashbacks, through which we learn:

  • Jason, bless his soul, had presented his family with two options for the annual Seaver family vacation: Disneyworld or Maui. I mean, this is just another example of Jason’s awesomeness because those are both really outstanding vacation options, and clearly signs that the Seavers are doing okay in life.
  • No one wants to go…except for Ben.
  • Carol is bummed because she won’t be able to spend any time with Bobby even though we have heard nothing about Bobby in 8 whole episodes.
  • Mike is bummed because he wants to hang with Eddie and Boner and all I can say is really Mike?!?!?
  • Maggie has way too much going on at work because some hotshot new journalist is, in Maggie’s opinion, trying to steal her job.

Is it just me or is what we’re really seeing that a sizeable percentage of the Seaver family is pretty darn ungrateful?

Anyway, Maggie tries to convince the kids that Disneyworld is the way to go, because if they have to be “stuck on vacation”, at least Florida is only a two-hour flight in case she needs to head back to work.  She campaigns hard with the kids, and is confident she’s got their votes in the bag. But she’s forgotten about Mike.

And Mike has discovered that Hawaii is full of “hot babes” in coconut bras. Mike wages a counterwar, convincing his siblings that Maui is actually the way to go. Ben is an easy sell because at the age of 10 or 11 or whatever he is, all it takes is the promise of horse-back riding on the beach. Carol is a harder sell, but Mike convinces her if she votes for Maui she’ll get to stay home to spend time with Bobby (spoiler: he can’t deliver on this promise). Supposedly the smart one, Carol somehow still falls for this. And this is how Maui came to be.

And so, the entire family has ended up Maui, where no one has been able to shake off their negativity about the trip. Maggie has been working on her story every night from the comfort of the bathroom. Carol has wasted away her days waiting around for phone calls from Bobby. Mike, actually, has been perfectly fine, because he found his “Hawaiian hottie” within moments of landing and has been pseudo-stalking her for days. Jason has noticed that the family had been spending zero time together and, being the family man that he is, has been hell-bent on some quality family time.

This is the incredibly long backstory to how the Seavers ended up bobbing aimlessly on open waters. But before you worry that the Seavers might drift further asea, never to be found again, it turns out that there’s no real risk. Jason is actually the culprit behind the non-functional boat. He’s sabotaged what was supposed to be a short sailing trip by removing a spark plug simply so the family would be forced to spend time together.  As you would expect, this did not help matters.

Once the Seavers return safely to shore, things really far apart. Now that everyone’s disclosed their true feelings about the trip, they freely unleash their dissatisfaction in all manner of behaviours. Maggie dives right back into her work, no longer feeling the need to hide out in the bathroom. Carol is going to openly wait around for Bobby’s call, or perhaps spend time with the brainy bellhop she’s just met; it’s super unclear at this point. Ben’s going to take advantage of his new discovery: room service.  Mike’s already flown the coop to spend what’s left of the day with his Hawaiian hottie, all to the soundtrack of Christopher Cross’ “Swept Away”, which is a song I couldn’t stand even in the 80s and, in my opinion, has not held up over time.

And that leaves Jason, all alone on his way to a luau, on a family vacation in which his family is decidedly absent. Whatever will happen next? We’ll find out tomorrow!

At the end of this episode I’m left wondering:

  • Is Bobby just a convenient plot device for these writers because we have not heard anything about him since, like, Season 2 Episode 13?
  • Would Maggie’s job really have provided her with a laptop back in the late 80s, because I Googled what those bricks were worth back then and apparently they were $4000+ (!!!!)?
  • Will Jason somehow find a way to bring this family back together in tomorrow’s episode?
  • How many more times will I have to hear “Swept Away”? I can remember when I watched this as a child feeling like the song was overplayed and, I kid you not, in this first part alone there was a 40 second straight segment of the song. Forty seconds is an eternity when it comes to a 22 minute sitcom. And that song.

Season 2 In a Nutshell

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Somehow, someway, we made it to the end of Season 2. Who else is excited to be moving firmly into season 3, a point at which I feel like shows should really start to hit their stride?

In a Nutshell

Truthfully, Season 2 was all over the place, and maybe it was 80s sitcoms in general but I really feel like Growing Pains is taking its time getting to some ongoing storylines that give the show a semblance of cohesiveness. Maybe that’s just me. At any rate, season 2 was marginally better than season 1 so at least we are in an upward trend.

What we learned this season:

  • Carol has a boyfriend…or does she? Because Bobby showed up in 2 or 3 episodes, and then was never spoken of nor heard from again, but neither was there any talk of a breakup. So, like, what gives here? We’ve actually learned nothing about this relationship, and it’s honestly the only storyline I really cared about.
  • You can get fired from a fast food job over $37.
  • Ben has the largest appetite of any child on television. Ever. Also, the Seavers appear to regularly keep their kitchen fridge stocked with those giant turkey legs you see at amusement parks and renaissance fairs, and they appear to be one of Ben’s “snacks” of choice.
  • Jason continues to be television’s most perfect father, not because he is actually perfect but rather because, despite his flaws, he is as present and compassionate as you could ever hope for in all the moments where it really matters.
  • The show continued to tackle big and difficult topics like homelessness, suicide, ageism and pornography. I mean, they also tackled total fluff, but those are a lot of serious topics for one season.
  • Maggie is so lucky to have Jason because the lady really flies off the handle given anything outside her comfort zone or perspective on the world. Plus she seems to think a lot of young girls are “tramps” and she might be extremely ageist.

Best Episodes

  • Episode 15, Thank God it’s Friday: A very special episode where we learn to just say no to cocaine, but not just because drugs are bad. We should just say no when it’s our choice, because we should always do what we feel is right regardless of what others might think. Also, we learn Eddie and Boner are terrible friends.
  • Episode 5, Employee of the Month: Mike takes an epic fall from grace when he goes from employee of the month to getting fired over $37 (which wasn’t even his fault!!!!). And then he proceeds to smear burger grease on his apron daily to make his parents think he’s still employed so they don’t take away his new car. Classic Mike.
  • Episode 13, Some Enchanted Evening: After an inexplicable 7 episode absence, Carol’s beau Bobby makes a reappearance and dodges taking Carol to the winter dance in a myriad of cryptic ways, but it all turns out okay and culminates in, you guessed it, some enchanted evening.

Worst Episodes

  • Episode 7, Do you Believe in Magic?: It’s like a pyramid scheme of scams all involving a supposedly magic rock, and one in which Boner is the one to outsmart everyone? I don’t buy it for a second.
  • Episode 8, Jason’s Rib: Twenty-two minutes has never felt longer than when it was entirely focused on Maggie and Jason’s petty arguments.
  • Episode 14, Thank You, Willie Nelson: The title of this episode remains a total mystery and I’m firm in my stance than any episode involving Maggie’s parents is going to be a total dud.

Join me tomorrow when we dive into Season 3 with–spoiler alert–a double-header, on-location episode! That oughta get your attention!

Season 2 Episode 22: Confidentially Yours

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We kick off this episode with a dream sequence in the style of Let’s Make a Deal, or at least that’s all I can think of because everyone in the audience is in costumes. But anyway, in her dream Maggie’s been nominated for a Pullitzer but everyone in the audience, including Jason, is either mocking her or completely in disbelief that a no-name like Maggie Seaver could be nominated for a Pullitzer. And it’s all a bit over the top, but I do enjoy that Maggie gets revenge on Jason by attempting to peck him to death (did I forget to mention she’s dressed in a chicken costume in this dream sequence? That would’ve been a helpful detail…).

Of course, Maggie’s dream was just a window into her soul, a soul that is none too pleased with being a measly Long Island local newspaper writer, and one who couldn’t even win a Long Island journalism award, an event which she had attended the night prior and which seems to have highlighted her lacklustre career. Maggie seems fired up to make a change. And, wouldn’t you know, she’s about to get an opportunity to do just that!

The very next day Maggie leaves a very long and conversational answering machine message (nostalgia!!!) about how the keynote from the Long Island Journalism Awards, who happens to be the editor for a big city newspaper, has offered her a writing job. In Manhattan! And he wants Jason and Maggie to meet for dinner to “get to know them socially”, and is this how things worked in the 80s or does this sound fishy to everyone else too?

I think I’m right because this editor seems a bit smarmy when they meet up, and he’s coming on a little strong when it comes to selling Maggie on the job. Something’s not right here. And then it turns out that the editor’s wife is a patient of Jason’s. Yikes. This puts him in a compromising position because it seems that Jason knows a whole lot about this editor via the editor’s wife/his patient. Unfortunately, doctor-patient confidentiality precludes him from sharing this information with Maggie, even though he’s dying to, especially since what he knows is that the editor is a cheater and a sleaze.

What will Jason do? He’s really struggling with his ethical dilemma here, especially when Maggie specifically asks for his opinion. Jason offers up cryptic hints and thought-provoking questions, which Maggie finds ultra irritating because she just wants his real opinion, but in actuality is the perfect career coaching approach that will help her make the decision for herself. Jason’s not taking this approach for noble reasons, of course. He’s just trying to avoid spilling the beans on this editor and outing his patient in the process. No matter, Maggie knows something’s up because Jason is usually way more forthright with his opinions.

Maggie’s journalistic instincts kick in and she goes for the kill on this editor. She starts asking him all sorts of questions about what drew him to her writing and basically backs him into a corner in which it becomes very clear that he’s never read a single thing she’s written. Maggie realizes that he wants her for something other than her writing, and that’s the end of that job opportunity. Maggie turns down the job, Jason maintains his patient-doctor confidentiality, and the editor is totally perplexed as to how someone could possibly turn him down.

Meanwhile, back at home, the kids are getting into a world of trouble. Carol and Mike break a lamp, which they think is a really big deal because Maggie just bought it. It look like a pretty basic lamp, though, so I can’t imagine any parent being all that upset about it, but Mike and Carol don’t agree with me.  So Carol spends hours  trying to painstakingly reassemble this lamp, sort of like the leg lamp in a Christmas Story, only less entertaining. She manages to do a pretty good job of it, and I’m sort of over this whole storyline.

But wait, maybe I was wrong, because even though this secondary storyline had me wanting to fast forward, when we realize that Ben has crazy glued himself to the coffee table, things become a bit more interesting. Because that could actually get you in trouble. A nice coffee table is expensive, y’all, not to mention hard to find. And the Seavers are going to need a new one when Mike decides he’s simply going to pull Ben off the coffee table, taking half the table’s surface along with him. Oh the trouble these kids get themselves into.

Because of course ruining two pieces of furniture isn’t enough, these kids are determined to make matters worse. Somehow, even though it’s clearly late evening at this point, Mike gets his hands on a floor sander and some furniture stain and decides they’re going to sand down the coffee table and then stain it. No one will ever notice that the original chunk of coffee table is firmly affixed to the ass of Ben’s pants.

The best advice I would give to Mike in this moment is to cut your losses, but alas that would involve time travel and also this show is fictional and so I have to let Mike make his own mistakes. And that he will. Because Mike doesn’t know the first thing about floor sanders and it quickly sands its way right through the coffee table (which perhaps tells me their coffee table wasn’t all that great to start with) and then almost knocks over the lamp they just fixed. Carol’s willing to do anything to save that lamp so she takes a flying leap to grab it, but in the process breaks the side table and the lamp. In one night alone, the Seaver kids have managed to basically destroy the entire living room.

If you’re keeping track, that means not only did Maggie miss out on a big city, real-deal journalist job, but now she also has no functional living room furniture. In other words, it’s definitely not her day.

At the end of this episode, I’m left wondering:

  • Seriously, where did Mike get a sander at night?
  • How flimsy is the Seaver family’s living room furniture?
  • Why did everyone in Maggie’s dream have a costume on anyway? I really am not seeing how that related to the dream…unless the writers really just wanted Maggie to be able to peck Jason to death…