It’s another week which means another daily dose of Growing Pains.

Hang on tight because today’s episode deals with a doozy of a theme: teenage sexuality. Also in today’s episode, Carol and Ben are once again relegated to an entirely secondary storyline. Let’s get to it.

Carol is running an experiment on plants, testing whether talking lovingly to a plant will make it grow faster. Ben is seriously interfering with its scientific integrity by talking trash to Carol’s love plant. No sooner has he unleashed a torrent of negativity towards the plant than one of its leaves falls right off. Man, that kid is powerful! This causes him to freak out because he didn’t really think he’d hurt the plant, and he didn’t really want to ruin Carol’s experiment. He tries to reverse the damage, which for Ben means dumping what appears to be a two-gallon bottle of plant food on one tiny plant. Of course, this does kill the plant and ruin Carol’s experiment in the process. Oh, Ben.

In our more important storyline, Mike’s new friend, Lisa, is really turning the Seaver household upside down with her attitude, racy clothing and “major league yabbos” (i.e. her big breasts). Fun fact: Lisa is played by Dana Plato, who you might remember from another 80s classic sitcom, Diff’rent Strokes. At any rate, Lisa seems to think she is Madonna circa ‘I’m a virgin’, and no one seems to know what to think of her.

Actually, that’s not true. Maggie seems to know exactly what to think of her, which is that she’s a “tramp”. Those are Maggie’s words, not mine, and I can’t recall a time I’ve heard the word tramp used so frequently in a 2-minute time span on network television. Maggie is super reluctant about her and Jason’s plans to go out that evening. She does not want to leave Mike and Lisa alone in the house, even though they’re not really alone because they’re supposed to be baby-sitting Ben and Carol.

Jason is at least able to take a step back from Maggie’s excessive stereotyping, reminding her that just because she dresses a little racy doesn’t mean she’s bad to the bone and, you know, that neither of them actually know a darn thing about the poor girl.  Still, to be safe, before he and Maggie go out for the night, he gives Mike a good talking-to about taking it slow with girls. Jason’s confident that Mike’s values will carry him through the evening unsupervised. Maggie is still not at all convinced.

Well, it turns out that Maggie’s motherly intuition is in check because minutes into Mike and Lisa’s time alone not only are they most definitely not paying any attention to their babysitting duties, but they’ve also found their way to the guest bedroom. Lisa wastes no time in unbuttoning Mike’s shirt, and launching right into a conversation about–gasp!–sex! My goodness things escalated quickly!

Lisa is ready to go but Mike isn’t so sure. Like most boys his age, he’s already lied to Lisa about his experience and now he’s really in a pickle because, other than being a virgin, how else could he possibly explain his reluctance to take advantage of a perfectly willing lady? I mean, Lisa’s not going to buy some line about values or morals. But then the show goes to commercial and when it comes back, we’re left hanging. What did Mike do? Did he take advantage of Lisa’s forwardness, or did his values lead him to make the more mature choice? It’s a real nail-biter for a couple of minutes.

Don’t worry, because Maggie is now home and she wastes no time not-so-subtly trying to get Mike to dish the goods on his evening.  He finally caves to her incessant questioning and admits that nothing happened, and how that probably means he’s gay (once again, his words, not mine). Aside from the fact that only in the 80s would that type of dialogue fly, let’s focus on the underlying emotions that we can actually identify with: Mike clearly feels torn because he made what he thought was the right decision, but also feels like less of a man for not capitalizing on a sure thing. It’s not only very human of him, but also really a thoughtful reflection for a young man.

Thankfully, Maggie is able to help him see the virtues of his choice, and to reinforce the importance of waiting for the right person to lose your virginity to. All of this is done without any awkwardness on either person’s part, which seems highly unlikely to me, but kudos to the Seavers for consistently being able to tackle any difficult topic with aplomb.

At the end of this episode, I’m left wondering:

• Did Carol and Ben really need a babysitter? Carol is 14 at this point, which is only one year younger than Mike, not to mention she’s clearly the more responsible one. Wouldn’t it make more sense to put her in charge of the whole damn household?
• Is no one else wondering how two gallons of plant food would even fit in a plant pot that is maybe pint-size at best?
• Would mother and son really have a heart to heart about losing their virginity that openly?
• Even in the 80s, was it actually appropriate to refer to a woman’s breasts as ‘major league yabbos’ multiple times in one episode?