To be honest, I don’t think I ever really liked Growing Pains’ first season, so I was sort of dreading these first 22 episodes. In perhaps a case of lowered expectations making reality better than it is, the pilot episode wasn’t nearly as bad as I remembered.

Before we really get started, can we just take a moment to respect the Growing Pains theme song? I mean, it’s still pretty catchy, and it was performed by legitimate singers. It might actually be the best part of the episode, and is most definitely the most nostalgic part of the show for me.

Right off the bat, I’m struck by the episode’s first minute, which is essentially a narrated backstory. Maggie’s gone back to work after 15 years, and Jason has transplanted his psychiatric practice into the home so he can be there to support the kids. This kind of protracted context-setting would never fly in today’s television. Spending precious moments just explaining the Seaver family dynamic would surely alienate today’s viewers. Besides, the premise is just not that complicated.

Here’s the gist of the episode: We kick off at breakfast time in the Seaver kitchen, where Jason and Maggie are ultra frisky in front of their kids about which I am not sure how I feel. On the one hand, it’s a little off-putting to me watching as an adult. On the other hand, maybe they’re actually setting a good example for their kids about healthy emotional expression, and the fact that passion doesn’t need to fade in marriages. Either way, I am most definitely giving this 100% too much deep thought.

Here’s what we’re working with in this episode: Ben is sad because his mom has gone back to work and he misses having her at home. Carol isn’t really doing much of anything. Mike wants to go to an under 20 club, delightfully named ‘House of Sweat’, and his mom doesn’t want him to go.  Mike pleads his case (he needs more freedom) and Jason caves (after Mike commits to giving him more responsibility in exchange for freedom). This seems like it will somehow go wrong.

And it does.

Mike is, in fact, not ready for responsibility because he winds up in jail after side-swiping a police car in the House of Sweat parking lot. This is further complicated by the fact that he doesn’t actually have a driver’s license.  My own take is that Mike was actually kind of being responsible because his friend was drunk and therefore unable to drive . It’s just unclear to me how his friend became quite so intoxicated at an under 20 club. Tiny, insignificant detail.

Jason, predictably, is none too pleased with Mike’s irresponsibility.  But the ever-so-slight plot twist is that Jason is actually more upset with himself because he really wants to have a trusting and open relationship with his son and he feels that’s been violated. Whoa. That’s actually pretty deep for 80s sitcom fare. They work it all out, though, and in the kitchen, which based on this episode is where the Seavers spend approximately 95% of their time.

The episode then ends on a totally bizarre note (in my opinion) because Jason is attempting to show his son that he still has moments where he does ‘dumb stuff’ by MOONING HIM. Thankfully it’s Maggie who walks into the kitchen because I am not sure how I feel about a father mooning his son.

At the end of this pilot, I’m left wondering:

• Was Jason really mad that Mike violated his trust or was it actually because Mike’s arrest interfered with his champagne-and-satin-sheets plans with Maggie that night?
• Was Growing Pains more religious than I remember? Maggie references original sin, which I can’t imagine cropping up in casual sitcom conversations these days.
• Do kids get grounded anymore? Mike was grounded for two months and, maybe because I was never really grounded, this seems both excessive and nearly impossible to actually enforce.
• Are holding cells actually located right in the middle of police stations? Are they always full of heavily tattooed but relatively harmless men who gruffly ask the newcomer “what are you in for?”
• Is it all appropriate to even attempt to moon your own kid?
• Are Maggie and Jason too racy for family sitcoms? Do they need to tone it down in front of their kids?
• Is the Growing Pains theme song just really the best television theme song ever? Forget this question. I already know the answer, and it is a resounding yes.

So many questions left answered. Thankfully we have another 21 episodes this season to wade through these and other questions. The journey is just beginning my friends.